Boy Fast

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A boy fast: verb.

1.            To abstain from all contacts with the male race for a period of time.

2.            A cleansing of boys and all the troubles they bring to your system.

3.            A time for you to relax and rejuvenate so you can come back refreshed.

When to enact a boy fast:

·      After a wicked break-up

·      3 or more painfully awful blind dates

·      A prolonged game of “emotional tag” where you seem to be the only one playing

·      The moment you realize you’ve checked your phone more than 4 times in a minute just to see if a boy has texted you

·      A kiss that just really didn’t mean that much to you

·      After the 5^th time a relative has asked you if you’re dating anyone

·      The next time someone tacky says, “You’re such a cute girl! Why aren’t you married?!”

Side effects may include:

                                                      Greater awareness of self

Glass ceiling exploding confidence

                           Shopping at expensive places

                                                            A ‘devil may care’ attitude

         Eating at Mexican restaurants

                                             Pampering yourself

        

Warning: you will be tempted to “snack” during your boy fast.

Snacking includes lunch dates, texting him first, trying to get all your girls together in order to find a similar pack of boys, flirting, etc…

Stay strong.

You can’t keep your stamina high if you’re running on an empty tank. So take the next rest stop and relax for awhile.

It will all work out.

Fasting but occasionally snacking,

Gertie and Char

Scaredy Cats

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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Sometimes we get scared. It’s okay. There are lots of things to be scared about. Like…

What should I major in?

Who should I marry?

Should I go to grad school or travel for a year?

How can I singlehandedly establish world peace?
What color swimsuit should I get for this season?

All understandable, legitimate fears.

But we’re here today to tell you those are the least of your worries.

We have found some things you should REALLY be scared of. And since we’re all scientific, we’re going to give you the full name.

Lutropublicaphobia:         Fear of public restrooms.

Arrhenphobia                  Fear of men.

Pteronophobia                 Fear of being tickled by feathers.

Barophobia                    Fear of gravity.

Obesophobia                  Fear of getting fat. 

Cacophobia                    Fear of ugliness.

Phronemophobia            Fear of thinking.

Hellenologophobia        Fear of complex scientific terminology.

Scriptophobia                 Fear of writing in public.

Teleophobia                   Fear of definite plans.

Phalacrophobia               Fear of becoming bald.

Leukophobia                   Fear of the color white.

Macrophobia                  Fear of long waits.

Mnemophobia                 Fear of memories.

Optophobia                     Fear of opening one's eyes.

See? There were all these things you didn’t even know you could be scared of! Now you can let your inner scardey cat go wild!

Some of our own made up personal phobias are:

Toolongconvophobia:      Fear of first dates going too long.

Nightowlphobia:               Fear of being awake past 10 p.m.

Troublemakerphobia:      Fear of Enablers.

Lackofundsphobia:    Fear of not being able to shop @ J. Crew

Needless to say, we all have Polyphobia: Fear of many things.

But it’s okay, at least you know you are not alone in your fear of being alone.

Hiding under the covers,

Gertrude and Charlotte

Ice Capades

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Gert: “Char, just fall down! Take one for the team.”

Char: “Why do I have to fall down? You fall down!”

Gert: “Ok, we will think of something else.”

Whoa, sorry.

Let’s back up.

There we were. Ice-skating. More like ice-prowling….grrrrr! (Sick)

We were not so concerned about our figure eights but rather about the figures of the young men on the ice. Not your usual place to meet guys, but we will take anything we can get.  

Our options were limited until we saw them.

Char: “Tall and plaid Gert, tall and plaid.”

Gert: “Let’s move.”

Four very tall and very plaid shirted young men were spotted. Their agility and speed on the ice made it difficult for us not to notice them, but also difficult to catch up with.

They were following us, we were following them. But how to strike up a conversation was a feat to be reckoned with……

We were brainstorming pick-up lines:

1.     -  Do you come here often?

2.     - Your skates are kinda big.

3.     - Whoa, was that a spin!? I’ve been trying to spin all night.

4.     - You guys are kind of out of control, we can’t skate by you.

Needless to say, everything we thought of was garbage. We need to take a course in Spinster Pick-Up Lines.  We even contemplated putting ourselves in physical danger, aka falling, to get their attention.

(Thus our intro…)

So, Char aka Sherlock and Gert aka Watson came up with a brilliant scheme. It was out of the blue and not scripted.

Char: “Hey, are you guys speed-skaters?”

Gert thought bubble: “What is she saying!!!!?”

Char thought bubble: “What did I just say!!!?”

However, it worked!

Proud to say we spent the rest of the evening with these dapper young men and finished the night with hot-chocolate and digit exchange.

Moral of the story, even if you are really really bad at pick-up lines, you CAN still get boys.

Done and Done,

Charlotte and Gertrude

Mother Nature's Take on Dating

 

This blind date should be fine…

3 DTRS in one week…

You WILL take me on a second date!

I’m 18 and naïve and no one will ever break my heart!!!

This relationship is feeling a little one sided…

Yeah…we know you’re perfect for each other. 

But do you have to post how cute you are together on Facebook?

Please let him be taller than me…Please…

Funny....but true.

-Gertrude and Charlotte

Cop Sneak Attack

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After I do something stupid while driving the first thing I do is check my rear view window to see if a cop is pulling out around a corner. It’s not like I’ve had a huge cop problem but one time a cop pulled a sneaky ninja attack and followed me in stealth mode (aka all his lights off) and then pulled me over for rolling a stop sign. It was one in the morning and he came charging out of his car and booked it over to my window like I was a raging criminal.

As I was rolling down my window I said, 

“Hi officer how are you?”

He said, “I’m fine how are you?”

and I said,

“I’m fine how are you?”

Then he laughed at me. 

It took me a second to realize why he was laughing at me and then I said, “Did I already ask you that?” He then shined his flashlight into my car and saw my neon green ipod playing Spice Girls, a bunch of starburst wrappers on the floor, warm vanilla sugar body spray and hand sanitizer and realized I was not the threat to the community he had suspected.

He told me I need to do a better job stopping, and then laughed at me again and walked away.

Therefore ladies, the lesson to this incident is to make your car look like an 11 year old girl lives there and cops think it’s funny and let you off the hook.

Oh, by the way my stops at stop signs these days are impeccable. The whole S-T-O-P treatment.

Just trying to get home safely,

Charlotte