Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Oh the HORROR!

What is the most painful experience in human existence?

Child birth?
Slipping on ice and bruising your tailbone?
Jamming your pinkie while playing teatherball?


The most painful experience in human existence is…

            Awkward silences on dates.

We would rather hear a junior high choir sing “It’s a Small World” over and over again.

We would rather professors go back to using chalkboards and scratch their car keys on it.

We would rather stand on a street corner with a big fat sign around our neck that says, “Still not married” than have an awkward silence on a date.

A Spinster emailed us this week asking for tips on how to squash awkward silences on dates.

Fact of Dating
Sometimes no matter what you do, no matter how great a conversationalist you are, no matter how many topics you think of….there will be awkward silences.

Helpful Tips

“Nest it”
If you have a great story to tell or a question you want to ask and don’t want to forget it, but your date is already saying something else or you are ordering food just “nest” it.

Now, nesting must be secret or you will look like a fool. Simply do something with your hands to help you remember what you were going to say.
·      If you were going to ask him about his favorite type of car, form your hand into a “c”.
·      Or if you were going to tell him about the time your plane left without you in Hawaii, rest your hands on top of each other so it looks like plane wings.

This sounds idiotic but IT WORKS! The key to keeping up a conversation is being prepared.

Use your surroundings
If your date has gone quiet and isn’t helping you out, look around and you’ll get ideas of what you can talk about. If you see a skateboarder going past you, ask if he’s ever skateboarded. If you drive past a billboard with an ad for “The Avengers” ask if he’s seen it or if he likes super heroes or tell him you were the pink power ranger for Halloween.

Double Dip
When your dates asks you why you decided to become a CNA or if you like dirt biking, give your answer, then throw the question right back at him. Answering a question then sitting there waiting for him to talk again is a rookie mistake.

This is if you start scraping the bottom of the barrel, but joke pirate to your heart’s content. For those of you unfamiliar with joke pirating, it is basically telling other people’s stories as your own. Will your date fall in love with you thinking you are someone different? Probably. And when he does, just give him your friend’s number at the end of the night. You can be a bridesmaid.

 Banishing the silence,

Gert and Char 

Friday, June 1, 2012

True or False: Llamas Take Taxis


Charlotte’s True or False Exam 2.0

If you are new to my True or False Exams, you know they are pretty easy. Like my last exam all of the below statements are true.

  • A huge maroon Chevy almost rear ended me as I was trying to read how many grams of fat were in each muffin on the muffin tub. Yes. I keep a tub of muffins in my car. Sue me.

  • I saw two girls walking up to a porch carrying something super huge and heavy inside a black garbage bag.  Upon closer look I saw a pair of feet sticking out of the bottom of the bag. Either  someone was getting asked to prom or the darker forces were at work. I believe the former since the bag was laughing.

  • I was on a run and a bunch of junior high boys started yelling at me to run faster. Not like a fun cat-calling kind of yell but more like a disappointed gym coach yell. Those punks need to read this.

  • I made peanut butter brownies at 8 am this morning. It’s fine.

  • My neighbor is currently using an electric saw to cut something outside. It sounds like a dying Humpback whale.

  • I take more pictures of my food than pictures of my friends.

  • While crossing the street in high school, a senior boy started drive-by flirting with me. He was craning his neck backwards towards me yelling flirtatious things, which I was happy to reciprocate,…and then he crashed his car into the car in front of him. Awesome.

Cutt'in back on the muffins,


p.s. Happy Friday!