Oh the HORROR!

What is the most painful experience in human existence?

Child birth?

Slipping on ice and bruising your tailbone?

Jamming your pinkie while playing teatherball?

False.

The most painful experience in human existence is…

            Awkward silences on dates.

We would rather hear a junior high choir sing “It’s a Small World” over and over again.

We would rather professors go back to using chalkboards and scratch their car keys on it.

We would rather stand on a street corner with a big fat sign around our neck that says, “Still not married” than have an awkward silence on a date.

A Spinster emailed us this week asking for tips on how to squash awkward silences on dates.

Fact of Dating

Sometimes no matter what you do, no matter how great a conversationalist you are, no matter how many topics you think of….there will be awkward silences.

Helpful Tips

“Nest it”

If you have a great story to tell or a question you want to ask and don’t want to forget it, but your date is already saying something else or you are ordering food just “nest” it.

Now, nesting must be secret or you will look like a fool. Simply do something with your hands to help you remember what you were going to say.

·      If you were going to ask him about his favorite type of car, form your hand into a “c”.

·      Or if you were going to tell him about the time your plane left without you in Hawaii, rest your hands on top of each other so it looks like plane wings.

This sounds idiotic but IT WORKS! The key to keeping up a conversation is being prepared.

Use your surroundings

If your date has gone quiet and isn’t helping you out, look around and you’ll get ideas of what you can talk about. If you see a skateboarder going past you, ask if he’s ever skateboarded. If you drive past a billboard with an ad for “The Avengers” ask if he’s seen it or if he likes super heroes or tell him you were the pink power ranger for Halloween.

Double Dip

When your dates asks you why you decided to become a CNA or if you like dirt biking, give your answer, then throw the question right back at him. Answering a question then sitting there waiting for him to talk again is a rookie mistake.

Joke Pirate

This is if you start scraping the bottom of the barrel, but joke pirate to your heart’s content. For those of you unfamiliar with joke pirating, it is basically telling other people’s stories as your own. Will your date fall in love with you thinking you are someone different? Probably. And when he does, just give him your friend’s number at the end of the night. You can be a bridesmaid.

 Banishing the silence,

Gert and Char 

True or False: Llamas Take Taxis

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Charlotte’s True or False Exam 2.0

If you are new to my True or False Exams, you know they are pretty easy. Like my last exam all of the below statements are true.

• A huge maroon Chevy almost rear ended me as I was trying to read how many grams of fat were in each muffin on the muffin tub. Yes. I keep a tub of muffins in my car. Sue me.

• I saw two girls walking up to a porch carrying something super huge and heavy inside a black garbage bag.  Upon closer look I saw a pair of feet sticking out of the bottom of the bag. Either  someone was getting asked to prom or the darker forces were at work. I believe the former since the bag was laughing.

• I was on a run and a bunch of junior high boys started yelling at me to run faster. Not like a fun cat-calling kind of yell but more like a disappointed gym coach yell. Those punks need to read this.

• I made peanut butter brownies at 8 am this morning. It’s fine.

• My neighbor is currently using an electric saw to cut something outside. It sounds like a dying Humpback whale.

• I take more pictures of my food than pictures of my friends.

• While crossing the street in high school, a senior boy started drive-by flirting with me. He was craning his neck backwards towards me yelling flirtatious things, which I was happy to reciprocate,…and then he crashed his car into the car in front of him. Awesome.

Cutt'in back on the muffins,

Charlotte

p.s. Happy Friday!

And I Think to Myself....What a Wonderful World

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As spinsters, it is good to try new things, meet new people, and explore new lands. Spread your wings girls. Spread 'em big and far....


Allow me to share my top five most recent adventures/joys/wanttocursethesky experiences that have come from living thousands of acres from home-sweet-home. 


1. Buying a weekly metro pass for $32.00 on a Saturday and having it sucked up by the blimey machine on Sunday. Wow...really got my money's worth out of that one.


2. Refusing to put sunscreen on my legs because I thought to myself, "Gert, maybe your skin will tan this time around. Greater miracles have occurred you know." Three hours later---lobster legs. 


3. Receiving a sea shell as a gift from a lad I met for two seconds who was visiting from Hawaii. Don't worry, I have his card so that I can "meet up with him if I ever make it to the Islands." (Maybe we should start making business card and pass them out right and left.)


4. Getting my daily exercise from the broken escalators that are probably three miles tall. 


5. Dreaming of being a hip-hop/rap star when I go to sleep because I hear it booming through my paper-thin windows every night of every day of the week. 


What a wonderful time to be alive!


Wishing I could send you all a postcard,


Gert

Why Girls Are Crazy

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Fun Fact:
This week one of our readers email-interviewed us. She asked us things like why we started the blog, about our worst dates, and what will happen when we finally find our King. Check it out here.
End of Fun Fact.

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The focus of this blog generally pokes fun at boys but now the tables have turned. It is time to dissect the female mind.

We are bundles of ticking emotional time bombs.

We salute every male who is brave enough to try and tame the unruly female heart.

Why Girls are Ridiculous:

1. We are unpredictable.

Everything was fine between us yesterday? Well guess what. Today it’s not.

Because…you didn’t send me a “goodnight text” and now I’m all thinking you are not as into this as I am and you were kind of paying attention to other girls at the drive-in and then I saw a picture of my old crush on my phone and am replaying all those memories and why the heck did he never ask me out  but he was kind of a punk and why can’t you just call me instead of texting me because I don’t have all day to sit here and stress out about how committed you are to this relationship. Oh and did I mention I have cramps?

But of course we don’t tell them any of this. 

We just say, “I’m fine.” 

2. We jump to conclusions.

Admit it. The second you start liking a guy you think about the “m” word. Admit it.

3. We are unrealistic.

Sorry, but Mr. Darcy is fiction. No guy in his right mind is going to say, “You have bewitched me body and soul and I lov-I lov-I love you.”

4. We set ridiculous ultimatums.

Ø  “If we haven’t gone on a date by Friday I’m done. I’m never going to call him again."

Ø  Your phone buzzes: “This had better be him if he knows what’s good for him.”

Ø  “If he doesn’t ask me ‘what’s wrong’ when we get in the car then he doesn’t even care about me.”

Meanwhile...

           the boy sits happily on his end thinking all is well.

 YIKES. 

Can you imagine dating us?

Getting really good at being unpredictable, jumpy, unrealistic, and giving ultimatums,

Char and Gertrude 

{CLOSED} Spinster Giveaway!

Giveaway closed. Winner has been contacted. Thank you!
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Whoa. Hold the phone. Spinster Giveaway?! I didn’t even know there was such a thing!

There wasn’t.

Until today.

But not just any old giveaway.

A Spinster necklace giveaway.

This puppy was purchased at a little boutique on Valentines Day. No joke. The powerfully carved ‘S’ will let the whole world know you belong to the sisterHOOD of SpinsterHOOD. It will bring you luck.

And to own the very first Spinster Giveaway prize? Wow. You’ll be able to sell that sucker for like $14.92 on Ebay when we’re rich and famous.

When: 5/19/12 10:00 am -

            5/26/12 10:00 pm MST.

Choose one (or all) of the following to enter:

1) Become a follower of the Spinsters blog: http://aspinstersguidetodating.blogspot.com/

2) Share the giveaway on Facebook, Tumblr, and/or your own blog!

3)   Tweet about this giveaway (be sure to include your twitter account name so we can find you)

Leave a comment at the bottom telling us who you are and what kind of entry you chose to do! 

(Please leave a separate comment for each entry so they can all be counted!)

BOOM! That’s three ways to win this stellar necklace.

Again, please be sure and tell us about each entry in a separate comment so you have as many entries as you deserve:) 

The lucky winner will be chosen at random, announced, and contacted shortly after the giveaway concludes. Good Luck everyone!! 

Spreading the Spinster lov’in,

Gert and Char

P.S. If there is no way to contact you directly from your Google profile then please leave your email address in your comment so we can let you know when you win! Thanks!

Attack of the Hipster

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First of all, this blog has turned us into monsters. 

We no longer live normal lives. We view our dates as "case-studies" to be examined later under the blog, scribble down conversations between girls like mad, and relish when a boy does something ridiculous because we just look at each other and say, "blog it." 


You are welcome for sacrificing our personal lives for the sake of strengthening the HOOD. 

Anyways...

Below is a conversation we recorded recently at a girls night. Mind you, our storyteller U.K. did incredibly funny voices when re-capping her awkward encounter. We will try and do it justice.

The characters:

U.K: A confident, savvy Spinster who has been around the block.
Boy: A radical hipster who has lost sight of reality in his quest to be unique, vintage and going against the current.

{Boy comes and sits down next to U.K. exchanges very little small talk before getting down to the nitty-gritty.}

Boy: What is your passion?

U.K: What?

Boy: Your passion. What is it?

U.K: Um, I don't know...What's your passion?

Boy: People. People are my passion. I love observing people. You can tell a lot about people by just watching them. In fact, I've been observing you all night."

U.K: K, what do you know about me?

{Boy is unable to say anything specific about her so he changes the subject}

Boy: Do you like music?

U.K: Yeah. Do you like music?

Boy: My life is music. Do you know...

{Goes on to name about 8 hipster indie-bands in a row without taking a breath}

U.K: Nope. Don't know any of those. 

{Boy not phased that he is not making a connection but rather proud of himself for knowing so many hipster bands}

U.K: So what else do you do?

Boy: What do you mean?

U.K: Do you go to school?

Boy: No.

U.K: Do you have a job?

Boy: No.

U.K: What do you do then?!

Boy: I LISTEN TO MUSIC!

{Boy slightly concerned that he had not made it apparent enough that his life=indie music. Boy goes back to how he is people-saavy.}

Boy: You know, when I'm around different people I just change who I am. I kind of morph into who I think they would like me to be.

U.K: So you have no personality?

Boy: Are you okay with that?

{Whoa. Girl gett’in sassy and hipster still not understanding the irony.)

Later events include him having a slight panic attack when someone was taking his picture because he is going through a "non-picture taking" phase and fail after fail of picking up cues that U.K. wasn't his hipster bride. Finally, he stood up to leave but before walking away carefully massaged the cushion of the couch where he had been sitting.

Boy: I just can't stand to see my bum mark. You know like when you're sitting on grass and your bum leaves a mark? I just think, "Oh my gosh. I'm so fat."

The End.

Gertrude and Charlotte

Spinsters Take Flight

I went to visit my sisters in the Midwest for a week and it was a treat. 

• Back in the day Char: “The Midwest is boring and flat. Only cows live there.”
• Present day Char: “The Midwest is a hip-hopp’in hipster joint.”

Here are some things I learned while on my adventure:

1. Aebleskivers are a beautiful gift to the taste buds.

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They are basically Danish pancake balls that you can fill with anything you want: fresh fruit, peanut butter, cinnamon sugar... I am totally buying one of these pans and making this recipe. Nutella filled aebleskiver? Please.

2. Dancing with my 2 year old nephew to Ingrid’s Soldier is the best boy-cure imaginable.

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3. Stealing my sister’s brown oxfords was a good idea.

 4. When you hang out with toddlers for a week you start eating like one.

5. If you have razor burn, don’t put a frozen bag of mixed berries under your armpits to help you sleep. You will wake up as a big smoothie.

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True Story.

XoXXoOXxOXooXx

Charlotte

Creepy or Cute

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The funny thing about dating is that two different boys can do the same thing and merit such opposite reactions from the females. “Oh, cute, right?” or “Woof. Creepy!”

For example:

                                                                        

Boy brings flowers to your work.

Cute: You have had a crush on him for two years. 

                                                                                 

Creepy: This boy got your number last night and somehow found out where you work.

                                                                                              

He says you were in his dream last night. 

Cute: You guys are on the brink of dating

Creepy: The only interaction you have had with this boy is catching him staring at you in bio lab.

                                                                                                        

He invites you on a road trip with the family. 

Cute: This shows commitment.

Creepy: You’ve overheard his mom saying, “invite her, this will seal the deal.”

Taking lots of pictures when out together.

Cute: He wants to remember how bonita you looked at the sushi bar.

Creepy: Really, 30 pics have just been uploaded to Facebook without you even knowing they were taken?

Wishing that our cute outweighed the creepy,

Char and Gert

How to Spot a Playa

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An email we received recently:

Hello ladies!

I think you're fantastic and your blog has rescued me from my deepest darkest spinster moods! I have a question-- when is it appropriate for a foxy female to ask a dashing gentleman for his number? How can one tell if that same guy is just a flirt in general-- or even...*gulp*... if he's a player?

Sincerely,

Your hopelessly confused spinster friend

Our response:

Dear Spinster Friend,

In general, it is best to wait for the guy to ask for your number. But that doesn’t mean you can’t flirtatiously help him out…

·      “We should hang out again!”

·      “Call me next time you go to the University men’s soccer game!”

·      “I never see you anymore! Can we change that?”

·      “Can you send me that picture?”

All of these statements should be followed by him saying “Well let me get your number!” You can’t give it to him any easier than that. And if he doesn’t get it, the caveman doesn’t deserve you.

However, if you are hanging out with a bunch of people and the moment is right you can casually ask for it. That’s how groups of guys start hanging out with girls-with one brave member of the group getting the number of a member of the other group. You will then become the ultimate bridge between the groups.

           

How to Spot a Playa:
Player: noun.  Male who wishes to be an all-star in the dating arena. He aspires to be the defender, mid-fielder, and forward all at the same time. His phone is full of numbers and he uses several a day. He may have a morning, afternoon, and evening girlfriend.

Is it possible to tame a player? Perhaps. Nothing is impossible ladies.

Trying to snag a player is high risk, high reward.

Typical player moves:

•  He uses terms of endearment with lots of girls (baby gurl)
• He calls girls late at night to hang out.
•  Gives routine compliments to lots of girls         (Hey-look’in good!)
•  Like Tuesday Tennis boy he has a go-to activity to do with girls (hot-tubbing, Disney movie night, long boarding and slurpiees…)
• Ask around! All females have a secret underground network in which they dish information on other guys. 
• For example: We were waiting in line at a concert the other night with a fellow Spinster and she was telling us about this guy she was trying to figure out. Through the craziest “small world” connection Char had known that he was a bad egg and gave the Spinster the dish on the fella.

Happy Playa Hunting!

Gert and Char